I often end my emails with "Be Well", and the lesson for me over these past several weeks is that there's a difference between wellness and being pain-free.
Wellness looks different for everyone; for me it's a feeling of acceptance, presence, compassion, openness and gratitude for my life. Whether or not I feel WELL has less to do with how much physical pain my neck hernias or anything else are causing me, but how skillfully or fearfully I work with the pain. After revisiting Pema Chodron's teachings on suffering, meditation and freedom last month, I was clearly "gifted" an opportunity to work with them for real...
Practicing mindfulness to tap into my fundamental feeling of wellness in the midst of my physical pain definitely continues to be a challenging exercise, but it has been proven true for me (again) that genuine joy or a feeling that all is well is independent of what is happening to or around me. I know that not because I read about it or heard about it at a seminar or lecture, but because I experience it. At those times when my response to life does not reflect the spiritual principles I study, the disconnect is not in my understanding of the concepts but in feeling the truth of them for me.
I invite you to look at any area of your life that is causing you pain - physical or emotional. What lesson is your pain trying to teach you? Where is there a disconnect between what you say you believe and your behaviors? Can you access a feeling of wellness or a knowing that all is well even when you would prefer life be different in the moment? Because you become really powerful and free when you use ALL of your life in service to your highest sense of self...and then offer your best to others.
This past Sunday, I arrived back home after enjoying a wonderful vacation in Hawaii. Contrast that with the profound heartache I feel today when I reflect on losing a loved one on 9/11/01. And then...I was driving home after work listening to "Joy and Pain" by Frankie Beverly and Maze and felt a sudden relief...
"...joy and pain...like sunshine and rain..."
Listening reminded me that both joy and pain (like sun and rain) are essential for life. And for me, pain's purpose is to show up and leave behind whatever lesson it was meant to bring - be it a deeper understanding, compassion, new insight, whatever. When I try to fight the pain that has already arrived instead of just "being" with it, I clog up my life's natural flow, and the pain hangs around longer than is useful.
That song interrupted my painful "thought attack", and that created some internal space for a new understanding to arise (or more accurately I remembered what I already knew). Pain, like bliss, is an impermanent experience, like clouds passing through a clear blue sky. But true love never dies - it lives eternally and manifests in how generously I love, how simply I live, how deeply I care and how kindly I speak.
So once again, I end the day grateful. Grateful for the loving imprint Courtney has left on my life and how his angelic energy guides me even when it's painful, AND grateful for a beautiful Hanalei sunset in Kauai shared with someone who so gracefully reflects God's love FOR me back TO me. And isn't that the point of it all.
I read an article yesterday about Joan Baez and how she responded to a confrontation by angry right-wing protesters that got me thinking about the power of the serenity prayer. Here’s the serenity prayer for those unfamiliar with it:
God/Universe/Higher Power grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.
You can read the article about the confrontation here and then come back…
Imagining that confrontation brings up images of flexibility, depth, calm, flow, power – like bamboo bending in the wind but never breaking; like Neo dodging bullets in The Matrix once he fully owned his power. Joan recognized she didn’t have control over the actions, experience, or feelings of other people, but she did have control over how she responded.
It got me thinking about the subtle but significant difference between power vs. force - and how the serenity prayer is a useful tool if living a powerful life is the goal.
Living powerfully means living in a state of awakening - becoming more present to your life and more available for others, relaxing into the now, not latching onto any negative feelings but instead allow them to move through you when they arise, being flexible, curious, open-minded and focusing on things you have control over – basically finding and living in the flow of your own life.
Over the past few weeks, the health care debate and the tone it has taken has proven to be a great opportunity for me to practice living the serenity prayer and staying in my own flow. At times when I become irritable, judgmental, and generally distracted by listening to the news, I whisper the serenity prayer over and over again to break the cycle of negative thought. I tap my wisdom and it shakes we awake, reminding me of my power. Power is not something someone gives us or takes away – it’s something we tap into. Power is inherent in all of us – some use it & build an empowered life based on it, some don’t and as a result live a life anchored in fear of what others do, think, say and feel. Joan brilliantly demonstrated what it looks like to live powerfully.
There’s a fundamental flow to life in general – day turns into night, up/down, sun/rain, crankiness and bliss…it’s all necessary and natural. The in breath is just as essential as the out breath...the universe has a pulse that we can tune into. And we become imbalanced – physically, emotionally, spiritually - when we hold our breath, fighting with the flow and trying to control what we have no control over. It’s this imbalance that is the precursor to stress, fatigue, overwhelm, and distraction.
Find your own unique flow, stand in your own power, and focus on what you can control to achieve the results you intend (setting intention is key, but more on that another day). Don’t fight life, but bring your power to each and every interaction and watch your life expand into an abundance of love, success and joy.
For me, a rich, delicious life is all about discovering yourself -- developing self-awareness while fully owning who you are in any given moment -- and showing up authentically and unapologetic...one day at a time.
"And the time came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." -- Anaïs Nin
"It is only by risking.... that we really ever live at all." -- William James
"The purpose of life is to risk living life more fully." -- Anonymous
I attended a teleclass last night facilitated by Jack Canfield, one of the authors of the “Chicken Soup for the Soul” series of books. He talked about an exercise he called Ideal Visioning – I think that’s what he called it. Basically, the idea was to check in with yourself and describe what would have to happen in order for you to be totally satisfied with each area of your life one year from now:
• Finances
• Job & Career
• Health & Fitness
• Relationships
• Fun & Recreation
• Personal Development (spirituality, skill set, etc.)
• Contribution & Legacy
It seemed like a great opportunity to pause and check in with myself…refocus my energies, evaluate what’s important based on what I know to be true for me, see where I can more consistently align my day-to-day behavior with what I want in life, and figure out what I need to add, eliminate or upgrade to live my life to the fullest.
Working through this exercise, I’m realizing it’s not so much about learning new information, reading a new book, or collecting more insights…it’s really about unlearning what no longer serves me. Unlearning. Even the idea of it is freeing, simplifying ... kinda like spring cleaning for my soul.
Growing up, we’re taught lots of things about how the world works, how to view others, how to view ourselves and our place in this world, how to navigate life in order to protect ourselves from harm and so on. Both consciously and unconsciously, we adopt these beliefs that guide the choices we make as we mature – both those that have been empowering and positive as well as those that have been harmful in some way.
Many of those beliefs served a purpose. For example, learning not to talk to strangers served to keep me safe when I was too immature to discern how to best protect myself. But now, if I continue to adopt that belief unquestioned -- consciously or unconsciously -- then I may miss opportunities to meet some amazing new people. Some inherited beliefs are more subtle and damaging, like someone learning there is only one “right” religion. We can look at religious fundamentalism in all faiths to see the damage THAT belief does if it goes unexamined by an evolving consciousness.
But today, I’m incredibly fortunate to have information that my ancestors did not have easy access to if at all…gifted teachers, lectures, seminars, retreats, books, ancient teachings from around the world. So the question becomes…based on what I know NOW, what beliefs serve my highest purpose to live a life guided by love, compassion, joy, honesty, monogamy, service, connection, meaningful work, faithfulness, and so on, and which do not. What beliefs do I need to unlearn today? And a great place to start is looking at any area of my life that is less than ideal.
A beautiful, clearly powerful man I met last month described how he struggled with procrastination…avoiding doing the things he knew would help him grow his business and make lots of money. It appeared to me he had an old tape playing in his head -- a belief at work -- about his inability to attract and manage wealth. His parents taught him to work hard, don’t make trouble, be satisfied and happy with whatever you get, be cautious, etc. and that money will always be a struggle.
Even though his world is more expansive in many ways and he now knows better, that deep-seated belief was keeping him stuck and he didn’t even realize it. He was courageous enough to get honest, he began questioning that belief, replacing it with his OWN belief based on his experience, and now his energies are freed up to serve him better. Unlearing. Definitely an ongoing process...
I invite you to do this exercise with me and share your vision with someone you love and trust. Saying it out loud makes the vision real, holds you accountable, and may unearth ideas you hadn’t thought of. Imagine what your life would look like in each of those areas…feel into it…and then add, eliminate or upgrade the people, places and things in your life to make space for this reality. If not now, when?
What do YOU need to unlearn to live into your vision? I can’t think of a better use of time -- clearing mental clutter -- except playing monopoly with my godson or a massage by my miracle worker Grace ;-)
And remember, if you are in the Triangle area of NC, join us at my next Meetup -- www.meetup.com/ListenToYourLife -- to discuss this and other ideas/tools to support you in living an inspired life.
"Think of the news as humanity's prayer list. How different the world would be if every day's newspaper reports were met with prayers for healing from its readers! And that will happen, when the modern mind realizes the power of spirit. Prayer itself will emerge from the constricting limitations of religious doctrine, to become a spontaneous call of the soul to the higher power from whence we came."
Thinking about the role fear plays in our lives. Truth is... fear is good, healthy, useful, normal, energizing. And we all are afraid of something – fear of rejection, fear of failure, fear of success, fear of being judged, fear of loss, fear of pain or hurt in the face of real or more often imagined danger.
What we are afraid of is determined by our upbringing, our temperament, our circumstances, our history. But how we respond to our unique blend of fears determines the quality of our lives, not whether we are fearful or not.
For example…we can wait until we are less fearful before we make new friends or reconnect to old ones OR we can take bold steps without our “mask” to make genuine connection. You feel more powerful in your own life when you work WITH your fear instead of fighting it. Think about where your life feels less than ideal…it can point to an area of our life where fear is not serving you and it may be useful to reframe the role fear plays in your life. Ken Wilber talks about the idea of “transcending and including”…which I interpret as embracing and using ALL of your life, especially your fears, to serve your highest good and your purpose on this planet.
I mentioned this to a friend who said something like “I’m not really afraid of anything – I just live my life”. Cool. I asked where does your life not feel ideal? She said, well I just don’t have enough downtime for myself. Ok. After some chit chat, she considered that she may be over-committing to things because she wants to feel valued/respected/loved by others and not disappoint people – fear of rejection or failure or judgment. And she said when those fearful feelings came up she always pushed them away (dismissing them since they made her feel weak), so she just kept on moving.
As a result, she feels like she is kinda visiting her own life – not fully there, engaged, enjoying it, present to it. I suggested she instead welcome her fears with honesty, understanding and compassion, stay with the feelings as they moved through her, and from that space of openness, authenticity and gentleness work to heal what needed healing. Fear is purely information. I wondered if her fear of rejection is an accurate reflection of her life today? Or is she playing with crusty, old, out-dated tapes in her head about who she is and what life is really all about?
Bringing a different energy to your fears empowers you to move in spite of them. That’s when life gets juicy.
I often end my emails with "Be Well", and the lesson for me over these past several weeks is that there's a difference between wellness and being pain-free.
